To T *

(T*: An individual so disgusting, I couldn’t come up with a title for the letter.)

Yo T*

Tell me, when you eat, what is the point of moving your mouth in that exaggerated, obnoxious way? I would understand if it’s something that happens only when you are hungry, hunger has a way of knocking civility out of us. But no, you do it every single time. Even when you are snacking! Bana, just eating a simple corn puffs and your jaw muscles are clenching tighter than the buttocks of a diarrhea patient. I swear, you attack food with a vulgar force akin to a starved hippo eating a watermelon. Yes, that is why I sent you the TikTok video.

You have not properly swallowed yet another spoonful is on its way to your gaping mouth. And just when I am sure you’re going to choke, you decide that you have something to say. Animated, you assert your witless, backward opinions; food particles fly all over the table, a frothing forms at the corner of your mouth. The first table etiquette -or at least the first one I was taught growing up-, don’t eat with your mouth open. It’s that simple, T*. Other table etiquettes, like chewing properly before swallowing and swallowing before taking another bite, those ones you can flaunt as you wish. 

Otherwise, how are you holding up? Ah, that is clearly pretentious. I guess we’ll see each other when our meeting can’t be avoided. In the meantime, try not to choke yourself with food. Although, your early death wouldn’t be a bad thing to happen to the world. And I was disappointed to find out that constipation isn’t life threatening, that can make for a spectacular death.